The Life You Choose

“Is this the face of extreme stress, trauma re-activation, complex grief, depression, and anxiety?”

It’s fairly easy these days to post positive inspiring messages. However, how much does your life align with what you post? Are you as thoughtful, aware, aspirational, confident, badass, and self-inspiring as your social media feed? Living in this time where almost everything and everyone has an online presence, we risk living in a parallel universe whereby our online lives are vastly different from our offline lives.

Reflecting on the lives of public figures, both internet famous and celebrities, who’ve committed suicide or died by drug overdose, one notes that while living lives that others may’ve envied, they were simultaneously struggling with how they truly felt about themselves and their lives. Some were struggling with depression, anxiety, alcoholism, and/or addiction.

The Selfie

On a particularly challenging day for me, I took a selfie that I posted online. I considered using the caption “Is this the face of extreme stress, trauma re-activation, complex grief, depression, and anxiety?” I remember remarking to myself how ironic it was that I looked amazing and felt all kinds of jacked up at the same time. Anyone seeing the picture would have no idea what I was really feeling at the time. It made me realize how easy it could be for any of us to mask our pain, not only to ourselves, but to others beyond the usual “I’m fine” with a smile that fades as soon as the other person is out of sight. It’s probably how we can have those floods of “I had no idea” posts on social media when someone attempts suicide, is medically hospitalized due to an overdose, ends up in rehab, or does indeed succeed in taking their life.

The B-Day Call

My exposure to suicide, suicidal thoughts, and suicidal behaviors began in 1995. As for alcoholism, addiction, and substance use, I simply don’t recall a time in my life when I wasn’t exposed. Meanwhile, I can clearly remember suicide entering my world with an indelible memory of my 22^nd birthday. I’d recevied a page by a family member. When I called them back, they explained that my grandfather had attempted suicide and was in the hospital on a one-to-one (a suicide watch whereby hospital staff monitor you 24/7 with someone in your room so that you are not left unattended for fear of you taking your own life).

I was perplexed. Who? What? Nahhhh. Can’t be. For real? Maybe that’s a normal response, but for me it really tripped me up. I was a recent college graduate out at my birthday dinner, on my birthday, and the man I’d idolized since childhood had reportedly attempted to take his life. It just didn’t make sense, especially because of how spiritual, smart, charming, funny, and jovial he always seemed to me. He never talked about death or appeared to be sad. He also worked in the medical profession. There was a part of my mind that was trying to figure out how he could possibly fail at taking his own life if that’s what he really wanted to do. (Yes, even back then I psychoanalyzed EVERYTHING!)

The Others

Grandpa was the first person I’d known who’d taken this step, but he was not the last. A few years later a close friend with whom I’d worked and spoke to daily, called in the middle of the night asking if I could talk her out of taking her life.  In the process she shared that she’s had suicidal thoughts most of her life and attempted at least once by taking a bottle of pills. Fortunately, she’d slept it off and didn’t have any medical issues as a result.

By the time I attended New York University’s School of Social Work studying to become a clinical social worker and psychotherapist, my exposure to people experiencing suicidal thoughts and/or attempts had become somewhat of a normal occurrence. With every new person I met at the beginning of their psychotherapy journey, a noticeable amount of them would disclose having suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, and/or para suicidal behaviors. A consise definition of parasuicidal behaviors by J.M.G. Williams is: “any non‐fatal, serious, deliberate self‐harm with or without suicide intent.” Additionally, when I was preparing to publish my first book, Prosperity NOW!, and attended a writer’s workshop, one of the participants shared that she was planning to write a book about her long-term struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts despite her accomplishments as a Black woman who’d overcome the odds.

Hold up! You suicidal?

Back then, and for many years after, I understood theoretically that a person could be in a state where they considered or attempted suicide. But, I couldn’t relate as to how they’d get to that point until the morning I woke up and heard myself say, “No” out loud at the thought of getting up to start my day.

I didn’t want to get up. And I didn’t want to start another day.

I didn’t want to get up. And I didn’t want to start another day. I’d been a counselor and/or clinical social worker/psychotherapist for several years by then. Somehow, in hearing my own voice and thoughts I kicked into psychotherapist mode. It’s strange when I think back on that moment, but I literally became my own therapist and had a conversation with myself that went like this:

“Hold up. You suicidal?”

“No, I don’t want to kill myself. I just don’t want to live my life like this anymore.”

“Oh. Aight. So if you don’t want to live like this anymore, how do you want to live? Imagine a blank page and you get to map out your life, what’s on it?”

“I don’t know but he’s gotta go!”

“Ok. Good. That’s a start. Anything else?”

“No. Not right now. But, this was good. Thanks.”

“So you good now?”

“Yep. I’ve gotta go to work. Talk soon.”

And with that I jumped outta bed, took a shower, and went about my day. I had clarity and purpose from that exchange. I knew what I had to do to make my life better, at least the first step. It was an important turning point for me. I remembered that I have control over my life. I get to choose how I live my life, how I feel, what I want, and who’s with me along the way. I didn’t have the whole thing mapped out, but I knew that I wanted to be free of the relationship I was in and needed to start taking steps in that direction. It wasn’t easy, and it took time to get myself fully free, as well as over, that long-term relationship.

I have control over my life. I get to choose how I live my life,
how I feel, what I want, and who’s with me along the way.

Through this experience I also learned how it is that someone could feel like they didn’t want to live their life anymore. In my work with others, I noticed a newfound clarity and empathy for how they felt because there was resonance. I knew the feeling. I could relate. And I offered them something that helped me – a reframe that perhaps they didn’t want to live their lives the way they were currently living and feeling, and if so, to consider how they did want to live their lives instead. This reframe has proven helpful to many. Instead of thinking about death, dying, and not living, they were thinking about living a different way and/or creating a different life than their current experience. So far, everyone I’ve offered this reframe to has been able to galvanize within themselves the motivation to live a life of their choosing.

What about you? 

If right now or at any point you are feeling pain or disappointment with yourself or with your life, it’s a message to you that you must choose another way – a better, more satisfying, loving way of living. Let the life you choose be a life of love, peace, happiness, joy, freedom, and fulfillment. Give yourself permission to choose a life that is well lived, full of laughter, smiles, and many new great memories that you will cherish as the years go by. Most importantly, let the life you choose to live be on your terms and good for you.

There is a free 24/7/365 hotline “988 Suicide & Crisis Line” with counselors available to assist if you’re having thoughts of suicide. Call, text or even chat with counselors using “988” or by visiting https://988lifeline.org.

Please do not let shame, fear, or embarrassment stop you from seeking out the assistance of a professional to support you. Why go it alone when help is available via crisis supports, psychotherapy (for individuals, couples, families, and groups), as well as other forms of counseling and healing professionals? For some, a blog post or self-help book will help in the moment. Longer-term supports are also available.

Thank you!

Thank you for reading this message. If you found it helpful, I’d love to hear from you. If you believe it may be helpful to others, please share it with everyone you think will appreciate it.

Until next time, be well, be love, and be good to you, always, in all ways.

Love,

Dr. Shawna Marie